“My boyfriend has a son, but his ex is using him to prevent our relationship” – People – Culture


#Direct Message is back, a format with which EL TIEMPO seeks to give its readers a space to tell those love stories or those personal experiences considered unusual. Believe it or not, someone will relate to your story. Remember that in the midst of differences, we all laugh and suffer in the same language. Check out this new story.

Toxic behaviors are becoming more visible thanks to the information and the campaign that the world has done in general to pay more attention to our mental health. At some point, we have all been driven by our emotions and committed actions that we regret. It takes a lot of self-love, self-knowledge and awareness, recognizing toxic behaviors and correcting them.

The problem was not at all this precious child he gave birth to, but the woman with whom he decided to conceive him.

About two years ago I met my boyfriend. A man with qualities and virtues that I have always appreciated. When we started dating, I found out he had a son and had been divorced for some time.. From day one, I realized that I loved the little one.

A detail that I would never have imagined would be something that would later bring impressive challenges, because the problem was not at all that precious child he gave birth to, but the woman with whom he decided to give birth to him. design.

The relationship made me begin to understand some very complex dynamics of family systems and cultural ideas that leave the role of a father’s girlfriend relegated to stories in which the stepmother is the villain who will sabotage the life of everybody.

And it turns out the wicked witch in all the stories of women who have been through this turned out to be the biological mother of their boyfriends’ children or husbands. Except for some cases, of course, of emotionally mature women who put the well-being of their children first.

tons of anger

Then came the first attack: the woman my boyfriend broke up with found out he was dating me. The insults towards me appeared in all her presentations, not directly, but in the chats she wrote to my boyfriend -which, I think, he should never have shown me-.

(You can read: I found the dream man on Tinder and he turned out to be a scammer).

“At first I normalized the behavior and said ‘well, the woman is jealous. She’ll get over it.”

All communications were between them. With me, that didn’t happen. But if at any time he confronted me, I don’t know how I would react. He might be “in shock”.

I normalized the behavior first and said “well the wife is jealous. He’ll get over it.” But it turns out that it wasn’t right for him to do that and he shouldn’t have passed it on either. On the contrary, it got worse.

Insistent calls for harassmentconstant insults to my partner, conversations with the parents of her ex-husband to express their displeasure that he is with a girlfriend.

Everything he does is a trigger for his dissatisfaction with life. Everything, in front of the child. EVERYTHING

Messages to his friends, messages to anyone with whom he could distill his hatred. There, I began to understand the toxic and abusive dynamic that existed between the two of them: abuse by her to my boyfriend and abuse my boyfriend continues to allow todaybecause every time he tries to set limits or to be respected, he loses the possibility of seeing his son. If he does something wrong, she embarrasses him, manipulates him, threatens him and reminds him who has custody.

This point is precisely what made me write with indignation. The number of stories of abuse and manipulation of men with their children is overwhelming; it is an isolated, non-structural and systematic problem like female violence. There is no need to minimize or normalize. Not only because of the emotional blackmail with which they maintain these dynamics, but because finally those who suffer are the children.

(Read more: “I married out of spite, but I’m still in love with my ex-girlfriend.”)

She or the boy?

Time passed and things did not improve. Instead, the blackmail appeared: “Be careful you go introduce that old woman to my sonand “it’s better not to share the same space with my son”. Any number of posts of the same style and words that aren’t even worth sharing. The boy even said:Dad, please don’t introduce your girlfriend to me.”.

“The desperation of not having her ex’s life under control brings her to a maximum level of hostility.”

It entered my social networks, which were previously public and I had to make them private. so tons of bad energy doesn’t come every time he sees a picture of us traveling.

The cycle is like this: an event that makes her shiver with rage and misery, like my boyfriend who does not answer the phone because he is working, a photo on social networks, a stocking that did not arrive with the child’s suitcase, a 20 minute delay to pick it up, share it with your grandparents… Anyway, everything he does is a trigger for his dissatisfaction with life. Everything, in front of the child. EVERYTHING.

Without being a mother, I could feel that at some point the priority must be to manage the pain to offer better tools to the children

Many things have been invented for my partner to run away to see if the little one is okay or not. When he lets them share, he doesn’t let her be anywhere but his home. If my boyfriend is somewhere else, he can pick up his son.

In any case, the despair of not mastering the life of her ex leads her to maximum hostility. Cada vez que él comete un error mínimo -como llegar tarde- se traduce en menos tiempo con su hijo, en menos flexibilidad para sus derechos de visita, en insultos desagradables, en poca cooperación para que el chico, por ejemplo, pueda distraerse en clases of football.

At the end, brings emotional distress to the child. He sees how his mother freaks out without any self control and speaks ill of his father.

A son with the weight of the past

This woman thinks she’s hurting my boyfriend, but the harm is done to his son and that is what saddens me the most. A child who is not to blame for the number of unresolved issues between parents, is not to blame for his mother’s untreated anger, is not to blame for her frustrations. He grew up in an environment of aversion to his father.

(We recommend: “My best friend left the ‘friend zone’ and became a bad boyfriend.)

“He grew up in an environment of aversion to his father.”

This whole toxic environment is sponsored by one thing: obsession with maintaining her role as controlling ex-wife rather than mother. He needs her to go to therapy, to give him a safe emotional space.

I’m not saying it’s easy to deal with all the overwhelming emotions that come with a failed divorce, but, without being a mother, I could feel that at some point, the priority must be to deal with the pain in order to offer best tools to children. .

We all go through difficult times, life is difficult. But trying to make others unhappy is a strategy that only destroys the person using it.

stepfamily

It is difficult to have help so that the child understands that his father has the right to be in relation with others and that his mother too… Everyone has the right to rebuild his life

I could not meet the child. In the midst of so much emotional deprivation, that’s the last thing I want. The broken family system created a trauma that she decided to transfer to the boy. what a pity But as I said, there are many stories like this.

I’ve even found a therapeutic community of women on the internet who enter these blended systems – that’s what blended families are called where one member of the couple brings in children from a previous relationship.

There they show the difficult relationship that there is always between the mother-in-law and the biological mother. They tell their story and give advice on how to handle the situation: how setting boundaries for husband with exes, how to deal with hostilities from past loves.

‘She shoots at his side and if he wants to do something, she defeats him.’

Divorces are more and more frequent and family systems are changing. There are many therapeutic tools to make these transitions that involve such great emotional challenges for each member. The truth is that one has a duty to inform and investigate, especially when there are children involved. Ultimately, They are the ones who, in adulthood, will have to recover from the traumas that this can generate.

(Keep reading: ‘Between cousin and cousin I get closer’… and I fell in love).

What is the limit of love?

Not only did we talk about it with my boyfriend, but we also went to therapy. But it is difficult to get help for the child to understand what a divorce is, what it means to be with another person, that his father has the right to relate to others and that his mom too… Everyone has the right to rebuild their life.

There is no guide. She pulls to his side and if he wants to do something, she undoes it. He’s afraid to take legal action and the ex ends up winning.because judges try to favor women.

This is a circumstance that is beyond my control. Love always has limits and the limit depends on how it can be solved. It remains to be seen how the situation develops, but I see that he is ready to find a way out.

Do you have a curious or unusual love story? We are interested in finding out and publishing it in #Message Direct. Write it down and send it by post [email protected] Yes [email protected] and we will contact you. It must have a minimum length of two sheets and a maximum of four sheets.

More #DirectMessage stories:

– ‘I was about to get married, but an anorexic and bulimic past ruined everything’.

– “I met him on Tinder and got pregnant on the second date.”

– ‘I told him not to marry the man I thought was the man of my life and I was not wrong’.

– ‘I found the right woman and almost left her because I was a priest.’

.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.